What’s your post-sex routine? Do you say “Thanks for the shag!”, hop in the shower and hope the other person leaves quickly while you’re in there? Do you lay there making awkward small talk until you both fall asleep? Or do you jump up and make toasted sandwiches for a post-coital snack while watching reruns of Gossip Girl?
Whether you’re having a casual hookup or you’re in a long-term partnership, sex is a personal and vulnerable experience, and what happens when it’s over can affect everyone who’s been involved. You might be okay, but is your sexual partner/s feeling all right? Is everyone comfortable, safe, and in a space of peace about what you’ve all just experienced?
“Aftercare” is the physical and emotional care that intimate partners provide for each other following a sexual experience. It’s often associated with BDSM or kink communities, but any sexual encounter can benefit from aftercare. The emotional and physical responses people have during sex vary wildly, and aftercare helps ensure that all partners feel safe, supported, and valued after the experience. Most importantly, aftercare fosters emotional wellbeing and is a natural outgrowth of consent.
Sex can trigger a wide range of emotions, from joy and satisfaction to vulnerability or even confusion. Aftercare offers an opportunity to navigate these feelings in a supportive environment. Emotional aftercare is particularly crucial for individuals who experience intense emotions during sex, or those who might feel disconnected – even dissociated – afterward.
Emotional aftercare can involve simple things, like cuddling, talking, reassuring each other, or just being physically close and holding space for each other. The point of these gestures is to soothe any post-sex anxiety and encourage peaceful energy to flow between everyone, reinforcing feelings of safety, affection, and security.
Another essential part of emotional aftercare is communication. Openly discussing the experience with your partner can help you both to process emotions and ensure neither of you feels neglected, misunderstood, or ignored. Ask your partner what the experience was like for them, and go deeper – what did they enjoy? Did anything surprise them? Did anything feel uncomfortable or painful? Was there any moment they feel like they might have wanted to speak up but didn’t? Check in about boundaries, desires, and any concerns that might have arisen from what you experienced – in a respectful, open way. Listen to what they’re telling you and pay attention to body language.
When it comes to intense or vulnerable activities such as BDSM of role play, aftercare is especially vital. In these cases, emotional aftercare might include reassuring the person who was in a more submissive or vulnerable role, helping them return to a calm and grounded state. Aftercare in these scenarios may also include providing affirmations, gentle touches, or a calming environment to ease any emotional intensity you might both be feeling.
When you’ve collapsed in a sweaty heap post-sex, you might be thinking, “Now’s a good time for a shower and a snooze!” Sex can be physically demanding and everyone’s bodies need care afterward, especially if you were physically exerting yourselves. After all, sex counts as exercise (although apparently not as much as you may have thought – apparently it only burns about 3.6 calories per minute, but we’ll take the win).
Physical aftercare isn’t just about showering off and resting up. Rehydrating lost fluids is also important, so get everyone some water and sip while you chill. A warm washcloth, shower, or even a bubble bath (together!) is a good way to freshen up. If you’ve got any little bruises or soreness, look after that with ice or warm compresses and pop a painkiller. A little post-coital massage wouldn’t hurt, either, and it’s a nice way to connect non-sexually while you talk about things.
It’s also a good time to talk about sexual health. Hopefully you’ll have had the protection and STI testing status chat beforehand and used contraception, so aftercare is the time to make sure condoms didn’t break, lube didn’t cause an allergic reaction, and any sex toys are cleaned and put away for future use. If you do need to get emergency contraception, you can make a plan for this together. If you’re planning to see each other again, you can also do a quick stocktake of whether you have the stuff you need for next time and discuss who’s responsible for replenishing the condom supply.
Aftercare isn’t just about attending to your emotional and physical needs, it’s about being a good sexual citizen (not a selfish jerk) and gaining some sexual karma points. Will the other person want to be with you again if you just dismissed them after your encounter and only looked after yourself? “Do unto others” applies to sex, too – treat other people with the care and respect you both deserve and you’ll find your sex life is more fulfilling because of that. Good aftercare enhances the overall sexual experience of everyone involved, making each of you feel safe, fulfilled, and nurtured, and sets a positive tone for the future.
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