Book review: I Don't - The Case Against Marriage

"Every one of my female friends is too good for her boyfriend. I don't know how to explain it, but even if I had a female friend who was just a pile of rats on a stepladder she'd still be too good for Brandon." ~ Lane Moore

Growing up, my Barbie and Ken dolls got married at least weekly, sometimes more often. Barbie's wardrobe included several little white wedding dresses in varying styles, including a delightfully ugly crocheted one bought at a craft market by a well-meaning elderly relative. I loved walking Barbie down a hand-towel aisle while all of her adoring friends looked on. At the time, it didn't occur to me that Barbie could also marry Barbie if she wanted to - or just not get married at all, and live out her days happily in the Dream House sans Ken.

Little girls are captivated by the idea of weddings - the princess dress, the tiara, the attention - and the US$70.5 billion yearly wedding industry certainly bears this out, with the average wedding in the US costing $35,000. The average wedding gown costs between $1,800 and $2,400, so Barbie better start saving up.

Or should Barbie even bother? After all, men derive more benefits from marriage than women - they're healthier, wealthier, and happier. Economically speaking, men remain better off. Then why does society persist in telling women that in order to be happy, she needs to partner up?

Writer and women's rights advocate Clementine Ford has been called "Australia's most prominent contemporary feminist", and her 2023 book I Don't: The Case Against Marriage (Allen & Unwin) weaves an audacious tale of misogyny, entitlement, and patriarchy.

Starting with the Bible and its reversal of biological creation - Eve came from Adam, not the other way around - Ford invokes Lilith, the "demon" whom God created at the same time as Adam, as his equal, but who refused to lie beneath Adam and was banished from the Garden of Eden well before Eve picked that apple. Lilith vanishes from the Bible because she's inconveniently independent, but this illustration sets the tone for what's to come: An examination of how women, and particularly single women, continue to be downgraded in status as long as men are in charge.

And in charge, they continue to be. Even before the sound bites trotted out during the 2024 US presidential election campaigning, Ford brings up J.D. Vance's "childless cat ladies" remark, and goes a bit further with this gem from Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz: "How many of the women rallying against overturning Roe are over-educated, under-loved millennials who sadly return from protests to a lonely microwave dinner with their cats, and no dating app matches?" (Hey, I've got three cats and a Master's degree, and earlier tonight I microwaved myself some delicious chicken noodle soup I made from my mother's recipe, and I feel pretty damn good about myself.)

I Don't explores the double standard of how unmarried women are viewed compared to unmarried men - and the exhortation that women who remain single need to stop being picky and, at the same time, also stop being so "ugly/crazy/old/fat/disordered" that men don't want to pick us. She delves into hysteria, misbehaviour, neurosis, and medical ignorance - along with a whole lot of infuriating stuff.

And that's the first part of the book. It's exhausting and exhaustive, and you might need a nap before you hit parts two, three, and four, all named after the little mantra that brides repeat: "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue."

If "something old" is a look at the past - and not a pleasant, enjoyable one - "something new" dives deep into wedding culture. In a world where the word "marriage" is synonymous with "wedding" and not with "hard work, inequitable partnership, government contract", an inordinate amount of time (and social media posting) is spent on proposals, parties, and wedding planning. But what happens after the photos are pasted into an album and the dress is dry-cleaned? Why is a woman's wedding day said to be "the happiest day of her life" - does everything else pale in comparison? Actually, considering how much stress brides-to-be seem to be under on social media, it's doubtful The Big Day lives up to its name for women, who do a disproportionate amount of the work necessary for the event.

Breadwinning and homemaking are what men desire and women aspire to, apparently - and Ford spares no time shooting them down. She also shoots down anti-feminist tropes in a fast-paced chapter, tackling "Feminism makes women (fill in the blank)" with intensity and more than a smattering of F-bombs.

In a world where women are expected to change their surnames from their father's to their husband's, feminism is sorely needed, but men still find it incredibly threatening for women to have choices. And some women find it threatening for other women to be single, because they feel that it somehow threatens their domestic bliss. News flash: Who do you think made that up and embedded it in society?

"Marriage is the only life-altering legal contrac women are willing to sign with their eyes closed, often on the strength of nothing more than the person is there. And why? Because we're told that having someone is better than having no one. To have no one is to be no one - because how could we possibly be enough, just by ourselves?"

Ford's book is a powerful love letter to women, exhorting them to remember their own power, to live their fierce worth, to follow their own dreams instead of someone else's. Instead of a princess for a day, she tells us to go forth and be our own captains, for the rest of our lives. This book may make you mad, or make you change your mind, or make you think differently about your own relationships. Above all, it will remind you to love yourself first, last, and in between.