Exploring kinks when you're vanilla

The idea of taking a walk on the wild side might be terrifying if you've always thought of yourself as a bit, well, boring in bed - and there's absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla! But sometimes, you might have wondered what else is out there, and if it's okay to try some more out-there bedroom practices on a limited-edition, maybe/maybe not, toe-dipping basis.

The answer is YES. You, my vanilla friend, can check out the world of kinks while staying safe, holding boundaries, and being able to say no at any moment. (That's what consent and safe sex are all about, after all.)

Get comfortable

Exploring stuff you've never done before is best done in a safe environment where you feel comfortable, private, and secure. It might be a good idea to find out more about the kinks you're curious about when you're solo rather than with someone else - just to start. Read some erotica, look at trusted websites, and just let your mind wander. How do you feel? Are you totally turned off, or is there a glimmer of interest there?

Communicate with your partner

When you're ready to involve someone else, make sure it's someone you trust to be kind, gentle, respectful, and take things at your pace rather than forcing a situation. Communicate with them about your needs and desires and be as explicit and upfront as you can. It's okay if you want to hook up with a stranger to try something new (and then never see them again - we get it!), but be upfront about your intentions so you are both okay with what will happen.

Start with some boundaries

Most people know what they're absolutely not ever going to be into and don't even want to think about, much less discuss or consider or try out. Hard stops are okay to communicate, but let's also reframe this in a positive way by setting some boundaries, too. Boundaries are for you, not the other person - it's not about telling people what they can and can't do, it's about what is and isn't okay with you. So a bedroom boundary might sound something like, "I am here for gentle touching and going slowly. Gentle touching, to me, means stroking my skin softly or lightly moving our bodies into position. Going slowly, to me, means we get each other's consent before moving forward each step of the way."

How will you know what's okay?

Often we don't know what feels okay until we've actually experienced it. And there might be moments when you just want to nope on out of there. That's fine - honor your feelings and your instincts. But consider that there are increments of just about everything you can try out - you don't have to go all in straightaway. Playing with leather, for example, can mean you simply include an element of leather in your "regular" intimate experience - you don't have to go straight for the full-body outfit, face mask, restraints, and studded whip.

Most importantly, listen to your intuition, your instincts, your emotions and feelings, your physical responses. If you're not into it, you have every right to stop, at any point, even if things have already gotten hot and heavy. You can say no and ask someone to leave, or you can leave a situation, whenever you want to. And it goes without saying that protection - contraception and protection from STIs - are a non-negotiable part of every encounter, from start to finish.

So what's a good kink to start with?

Look, everyone is different, and everyone has different preferences. What's intriguing to you is unique to you. But if you're really new to the world of kink, maybe start with something a bit "light" like fuzzy handcuffs or being blindfolded with a silk scarf. Then add in components as you feel more comfortable, remembering that there is absolutely no rush to adjust or do anything you're not 100% sure about.

What if I really am just vanilla?

Whether you gather the courage to try something new or you decide you're fine with what you're into and don't want to go any further, please remember that your needs, wants, desires, and preferences are valid. There is nothing wrong with being vanilla, and vanilla isn't boring at all! It's actually quite varied, just like the different types of vanilla ice cream. French vanilla, vanilla bean, classic vanilla... All of them taste delicious on a hot summer's day, and you can always add some chocolate sauce and whipped cream. Do what feels good and don't apologise.