The orgasm gap: Why it's harder with a partner (and what to do about it)

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me they can orgasm easily on their own but struggle with a partner, I’d have a lot of dollars - and a lot of frustrated clients. The orgasm gap is real, and while people with vulvas can absolutely experience powerful, satisfying orgasms with a partner, it just doesn’t happen as consistently as it does for people with penises.

That’s not because bodies with vulvas are more complicated or difficult - it’s because we’ve been conditioned to think about sex in ways that prioritize one type of pleasure over another. When penetration is treated as the “main event” and everything else is just the opening act, of course there’s going to be a gap. Most people with vulvas don’t reliably orgasm from penetration alone, but somehow, that’s still the default expectation in a lot of sexual encounters.

And it’s not just about technique. A big part of this struggle is mental. I hear it all the time: I can’t turn my brain off. When you’re alone, there’s no pressure; no worries about how you look, how long it’s taking, or whether your partner is satisfied. But with someone else? That mental checklist creeps in. Am I making the right sounds? Are they getting bored? Does my body look okay from this angle? It’s exhausting, and it makes it that much harder to actually stay present in your body long enough to build arousal.

Then there’s the issue of communication. I work with a lot of clients who have never openly talked about what they like. Maybe they’ve been conditioned to prioritize their partner’s experience, or maybe they just don’t know how to put their desires into words. And, let’s be real: a lot of people still carry misinformation about what actually works. If no one is talking about it, the cycle just keeps repeating itself.

So how do we change this? First, we need to shift the way we think about sex. When we stop treating orgasm as the finish line and instead focus on pleasure - on what actually feels good rather than what’s supposed to happen - everything gets better. That means slowing down, exploring more external stimulation, and recognizing that foreplay is sex, not just a prelude to the “real thing.”

It also means getting comfortable talking about pleasure. I tell my clients all the time: if you don’t ask for what you want, you can’t expect to get it. And if you’re not sure what you want? That’s where solo exploration comes in. Learning what feels good on your own makes it so much easier to guide a partner.

At the end of the day, pleasure should be a two-way street. Orgasms shouldn’t be an afterthought for anyone. When we let go of outdated scripts, open up about what we need, and actually listen to each other’s bodies, the gap starts to close - and sex becomes way more satisfying for everyone involved.

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Danielle Simpson-Baker is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Florida and a Board Certified Sexologist with the American Board of Sexology. Danielle holds an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy and is currently working toward a dual certificate in Sex Therapy and Education. She also runs a sex-positive Instagram page (@thesexpottherapist) that has amassed more than 23,000 followers since its inception in 2018; with that following, Danielle started a virtual sexual wellness clinic called Sex(pot) Therapy, LLC. Danielle provides sex therapy, coaching, and consulting, as well as a host of sexual wellness products for every person’s needs!

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