What is “soaking”, and why is it a thing?

You know you’re in for a wild ride when Wikipedia has an entry for what you’re trying to learn about, and the thing you’re looking up is the concept of “soaking”:

“Soaking is a sexual practice of inserting the penis into the vagina but not subsequently thrusting or ejaculating, reportedly used by some members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS Church).”

Right, that should be pretty self-explanatory, shouldn’t it? Those crazy college kids. Just let them do whatever they’re doing, as long as they’re being safe, etc. Except… Are they being safe? Why are they doing this, anyway?

We wanted to know more, so we talked to An Actual Anonymous Mormon

Rachel* (*not her real name) is 22, and explains that she doesn't actually call herself "Mormon", she uses the term "LDS" - so right away we were learning new things from her eye-opening interview. She was reluctant to talk about the practice of “soaking” because she says it’s embarrassing and probably not as common as social media makes it out to be. She’s a recent graduate of one of the universities where soaking has been reported to take place, and she was concerned we might get the wrong idea about her faith. “I grew up in the LDS Church and I plan to stay in the LDS Church, and raise my family in it too,” she said. But Rachel acknowledged that since soaking has become a talked-about topic on social media, it’s getting a lot of attention, and we’re grateful she was willing to help us understand.

Here’s how our interview with Rachel went.

HUD App: Rachel, we’ve heard that “soaking” is kind of a loophole in the LDS Church code of sexual conduct, which is abstinence-based. Can you say more about your religion's beliefs about sex?

Rachel: We’re taught that sex is something that happens between a husband and wife and that sex before marriage isn’t permitted. I think that’s probably why so many of my college friends get married so young, while they’re still in college!

HUD App: Would you say that the LDS Church promotes purity culture?

Rachel: The teachings I was brought up with emphasize purity and chastity for both men and women, which is usually framed as avoiding any behavior which could be seen as tempting or sinful – basically, to not put yourself in situations where you might regret your actions. So in that sense, yes, I think it is purity culture. But I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it’s more misunderstood than anything. I don’t want to get too much into my religious beliefs but this is something all of my peers would have known about if they were raised LDS, and been expected to adhere to.

HUD App: Have you heard of “soaking”? Do you know what it means?

Rachel: Yes, I have heard of soaking, that it’s when a man places his sexual organ into a woman's sexual opening but doesn’t move or make any movements that he might otherwise make when having sex. I have heard that friends might jump up and down on the mattress beside the couple, in order to move the bed but without the couple moving themselves. I have never witnessed it or done it myself but I have heard about it happening.

HUD App: Do you think it happens or is it an urban myth?

Rachel: I have heard of it happening and I believe it has happened, but I’m not sure that any of my own circle of friends have ever been involved in it, or if they have they haven’t told me. Which I would understand because for most of the people at my college it’s really serious – you can get expelled for having sex outside of marriage. I do have friends who had serious boyfriends and married them while they were still in college, and I can’t speak for them – only one of them admitted to having sex before they got married and I’m sworn to secrecy who that is.

HUD App: If soaking is, in fact, happening, why do you think that is?

Rachel: I think people see it as a way to bend the rules, as they might think it’s not “technically” sex if you’re not making the motions of sex. I think that is probably a very generous interpretation of what “intercourse” means because you’re still being intimate with someone. When you’re a teenager and your hormones are doing their thing, you want to explore, that’s natural, but our views are pretty clear and maybe people are trying to justify what they want to do without violating their religious beliefs.

When you’re a teenager and your hormones are doing their thing, you want to explore, that’s natural, but our views are pretty clear and maybe people are trying to justify what they want to do without violating their religious beliefs.

‍HUD App: Do you think people who are participating in soaking are doing it safely, that is, using condoms?

Rachel: That is a good question. I don’t know. I do know that my friend who had sex before she got married to her now-husband didn’t use protection because both of them felt embarrassed to buy it and worried they would get caught with it and people would judge them. So I would say that it’s maybe unlikely that if people are “soaking” they are using condoms.

HUD App: Why do you think soaking has gone viral on social media?

Rachel: I think that people see it as a joke, and I know that in general, to be LDS means accepting a level of criticism and lack of understanding from society. I think all religions have practices that outsiders find to be bizarre because they don’t understand them or know the context these practices belong in. I’m not talking about soaking! I’m talking about some of the other things that TV shows and media have picked up and mentioned, things like “holy underwear” and what happens in the Temple.

HUD App: Do you think soaking is harmful?

Rachel: Well, I think it can lead to regret, and obviously to STIs and pregnancy if protection isn’t used.

HUD App: There’s a viewpoint that in strict religions, sexuality is steeped in shame and repression rather than understanding and healthy expression. Do you think soaking reflects this sense of problematic purity?

Rachel: Again, I think there is a lack of understanding about what being LDS means. There are reasons we believe that sex belongs inside marriage and that it should be celebrated in this context. I personally have been somewhat on the fence about this because I have seen many of my friends get married young and have children young, and I want to delay this for myself because I am going back to college for an advanced degree. I am not sure whether some of my friends were necessarily ready for marriage but that’s the expectation and I do understand it.

HUD App: Thank you for being open about this, Rachel – we really appreciate it and we’ve learned a lot. Is there anything else you think we should know?

Rachel: It’s very hard to talk about but I think it’s important to try to be compassionate toward people who might not understand or have the resources or education or experience to make decisions that are the best for them. I don’t think it’s fair to tar a whole group of people with the same brush because you don’t have all the information. So I am glad to spread understanding and kindness.

The last word

We're grateful to Rachel for her openness and willingness to answer our questions about what must have been an uncomfortable topic. Practices like soaking may seem unusual, but for some people it's mainstream - and whether you agree with it or not, it's important to learn with open-mindedness so that we can all better understand one another's experiences. On the spectrum of sexual desires, where you fall is unique to your own preferences and choices. We at HUD App urge you to be safe, use protection, get tested regularly, and always uphold respect and enthusiastic consent.

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